Chapter 1: Inside out

I think we all remember that first awkward sexual encounter with the opposite gender, or maybe the same, not sure, apparently in Fiji most young men's first sexual encounter is with another male. But I digress. But I think this is a true defining moment in a young person's life, when you either freak out and say "This is NOT What Jesus Would Do!" or you think, "huh, this is kind of cool and feels rebellious, I dig it!" Unfortunately, I fell in the latter category, which I think was the start of my hilarious yet downward spiral in relationships with men.

The first guy who batted a single with me we'll call Grayson. He was every confused 14 year-old's dream-older, handsome, sexually-experienced, drove a pickup truck. Yum. Ok so my tastes have changed dramatically, but we all have to start somewhere.

So the first time Grayson came to my house we were supposed to be babysitting my little brother. But instead we made our way up into my bedroom and started making out. I was content with that, being the demure female that I was. But then, suddenly there was a hand up my shirt ungracefully groping my boob. Now awkward boob groping is no longer sexually acceptable in my book, but at the time it was new and exciting, so I let it happen. No sooner had the shirt come off when we heard the dreaded sound every teenager fears in the middle of sexy-time: the garage door.

With speed that would have rivaled an Olympic sprinter, I ripped my shirt over my head while flying down the stairs, Grayson on my heels. We plopped on the couch, faces still red from post make-out flush, panting and pretending to watch cartoons. "Hi Mom! How was the movie?" I cheerfully shouted as soon as I heard the door open. After about a 5 minute dialogue and lots of smiling and ass-kissing from my new sleazy boyfriend, I realized my parents had funny looks on their faces. Oh my god they know, I thought. How do they know???

It was then I realized that my shirt was inside out.

Lesson Learned: If you need to make a quick get-away, make sure your clothes are laid out and ready to go. And just like a good soldier, make sure no panty is left behind.