Enough is Enough!

I've had it with these motherf*ing snakes BABIES on this motherf*ing plane!!!

Well said, Samuel Jackson. Let me explain.

You know how people sometimes ask you what your biggest pet peeve is, and you struggle to find an answer? I always have, anyways...I try not to be annoyed by much and am pretty good at letting stuff roll off my shoulders. But I think I have finally found the answer to this simple get-to-know-you question: Babies. On planes.

I recently flew back to Atlanta from San Fran to tie up my loose ends, finish packing, and go to a Ray LaMontagne concert (awesome, btw). As I was waiting at the gate I did my usual routine of scoping out the other passengers for any potential perverts, terrorists, hotties, or babies. I sighed as I spotted a brightly decorated stroller covered in stuffed animals and drool.  The infant stared at me, cooing and chewing on its hand as I tried to convince myself that maybe this would be one time a baby wouldn't cry on a plane. Miracles do occasionally come true. Now I'm not one of those yuppie snobs who insists I'm never having children. Usually, I like babies. They are pretty cute (except newborns. they look like aliens. sorry, but its true), fun to play with, and I really like making faces at them. I prefer older kids, like from 3-11 years, because they actually have sense and reason and can communicate verbally. And while I have yet to determine if my biologic clock is indeed ticking, or if I even have one, lets just say that babies are usually cute and cuddly and all the power to you if you want to have one. 

However. Those capricious little angels can go from this:

to THIS!!

 

 in about 2 seconds flat. I respect the power of free choice in America, I really do. As I stated above, everyone has the freedom to breed if they wish. Whether or not they should...that's another story. Now I'm no history buff, but I'm pretty sure somewhere in the US Constitution it says something about freedom to do what you want, as long as you don't trample on the rights of others. Or something like that. If not, it definitely should. And I think this freedom should extend to airplanes as well. Airplanes are already like the prisons of the sky-stuffed like a sardine next to two strangers in a small confined space, few bathroom breaks allowed, stewardesses barking out orders like prison guards, no food and little water, almost zero mental stimulation or physical movement allowed (well, on the cheap flights I take anyways...). And instead of a rock hard twin bed, you get a seat that forces you to hunch over like Quasimodo and only reclines back one half of an inch. seriously whats the point of that? By the time you get off you feel like your bladder is going to rupture out of your umbilicus, your legs are tingling from several hours of non-circulation and a probable DVT, your head is throbbing from pressure changes and your eyes feel like someone scrubbed them with sandpaper.

So that is my opinion on flying. But, it is a necessary evil to go cool places and move across the country. As I settled into my window seat I was relieved to find that I was sharing a row with two thin normal appearing women and that I was about 10 rows back from the baby. I was delirious from staying up the night before, and although I never really successfully sleep on planes, I always delude myself to thinking maybe this flight I will actually be successful in catching a few Zzz's. Still hasn't happened. As I chatted with the girl on the aisle about moving to SF (she was new here too) the girl between us asked if either of us would switch seats with her fiancee behind her, so they could sit together. I glanced behind us and saw that he was sandwiched between two larger, older, and gruff appearing older men. I told her, sorry, I really liked the window seat and would consider it if it was a shorter flight...I tried to cheer her up by saying, hey, you guys have the rest of your lives to be together, so you should be grateful for a few hours of freedom! She didn't think that was very funny.

Anyways...As we reached cruising altitude and I settled in for a pseudo-nap, I swear I was almost successful at reaching stage III sleep when a piercing sound almost shattered my eardrums. 

WWWHHHHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!

The baby was apparently unhappy. As 90+ persons tried to drown out the ear-splitting sounds as best they could, whether by cranking up their ipods, escaping to the bathroom, or covering their head in a blanket, the baby just got louder. Since I was too delirious to read my novel and my iPod was dead, I thumbed through the SkyMall magazine pondering why a parent would subject themselves and others to such torture by bringing their baby on a plane.

Studies have shown that sleep deprivation is akin to drunkenness...so in my sleep-starved state I started laughing out loud at the SkyMall gift ideas, and things that may have only been slightly amusing before became hilarious. From crazy spy gadgets to downright silly "laser hair regrowth" kits, SkyMall makes claims that are sometimes false advertising, but always good for entertainment. As the kid wailed on, I started daydreaming about ways to solve this whole unhappy infant on plane situation. They could have a "baby limit" on planes like they do for pets-only 2 babies allowed per flight. Or, some flights could be "baby-free" and some "baby-friendly." Parents should have to pay an extra fee if they want to bring an infant-that might inspire some calling to the in-laws instead of dragging Jr. along after all. Or, if you want to risk bringing baby on board, then be prepared to buy the rest of the passengers those crazy expensive Bose noise-canceling headphones.

Then it hit me. Skymall has the answer to the baby problem! All they have to do is make a few tweaks to some of the products they already have....and Voila!! Problem Solved :)

Pilots and Stewardesses, is your plane out of control?? Well we have the answer to any difficult passenger problem!!! A REAL ZOMBIE! This living dead blood-thirsty savage has been trained to only attack loud and noisy passengers and is controlled specifically by YOU. Leaves little traces of blood on the seats and can be stowed safely for take-off and landing.

Especially good for LOUD BABIES and RUDE YANKEES!!

That's right! Following in the footsteps of Baby Aspirin, we now have Baby Valium! Babies can now benefit from the drug-induced coma that helps millions of Americans conquer their fear of flying. No prescription needed, just mail-order from Mexico!

(True story: I had to stitch this one year-old's face up in the ER. I was so scared I almost peed myself. Giving a kid a shot is one thing, but needles in their face? Quite another...anyways, I can personally attest to the miracle of anesthetic drugs on a child-as I sutured the child's cheek with her anxious mother watching, she cooed and laughed and even smiled at me! Now that's good medicine.)

 Ya know those ginormous Cadillac strollers with all the fancy gadgets and clip in and out carriers? Well now we've made one with an invisible soundproof shield! When you're in a public place and your child decides it's time to throw a tantrum, simply push the button and the shield will come down, covering your child and completely silencing it's screams! Do your part in protecting the eardrums of your fellow citizens....

     

Look at this little angel.....Never wake a sleeping baby, right? Well if it's not a real baby, you don't have to worry about it! If you are one of those mothers who refuses to leave home without your baby, never fear, Surrogate Baby is here! We can create a lifelike model of your own child to take with you on your travels so you can pretend your own child is with you yet spare yourself and everyone around you the headache of dealing with a crying fussy infant!

In case that lifelike little darling isn't enough to squelch your maternal instinct for a long romantic weekend in an attempt to save your marriage, you can now monitor your baby's every move from anywhere on the planet with our new satellite baby monitor! From Aruba to Azerbaijan, you can make sure Grandma or the Nanny is doing everything up to par.

Now I just need to sell my ideas to SkyMall I could put this whole Med School thing behind me and live off royalties.
 
First thing I would do with my millions? Buy my own airplane. No babies allowed.